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A series of blind alleys full of hulking tattooed Martin Skrtels

In today’s Fiver: Stalinist mobilisation, Mr Roy and more unicorn chat...

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Prestige earned from 117 years sold to some soap vendor

In today’s Fiver: Milanese dignity, five things Quique learned, and Bobby M...

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Everything should turn out just fine

In today’s Fiver: Gareth Bale’s burger, Xherdan Shaqiri’s rubber worries and the return of Brendan Rodgers’ teeth...

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Staggeringly unfunny

In today’s Fiver: David Moyes, the order of Anfield’s coloured doors and more...

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A long overdue hoof up the hole

In today’s Fiver: Aston Villa, Dani Alves and Max Kruse’s big night out...

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Dissolving into a pool of hot tears

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Will they be dancing in the streets of...

In today’s Fiver: Champagne supernova, tax-knack and Manchester City’s mind box...

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We all know what happens next

In today’s Fiver: the circle of England life, KWS and a bumper set of letters...

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A premeditated act of wildly excessive ego-buffing

In today’s Fiver: substitutions, robot saviour AlanTim and a Watford fan...

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Germany’s captain and the Nazi effigy

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Refreshing apathy and blind confidence

In today’s Fiver: Newcastle United, Alan Pardew, and John Peel on obstruction...

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A roll-call of garden birds

In today’s Fiver: the drama is very much and most emphatically cessant...

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Brazenly flaunting his pins and blithely holding some paper

In today’s Fiver: Two James Milners, SpongeBob, a tribute to Stephen Keshi and #ItsColombiaNotColumbia...

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99 Luftballons v We’ve Got a Feeling

In today’s Fiver: Germany v France, His humility, and fans being put firs … oh...

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Find out once and for all whether laughter is the best medicine

In today’s Fiver: Gylfi Sigurdsson’s dreams, Leo Messi’s salty tears, and more...

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Outdone by their own laundry ladies

In today’s Fiver: club media departments, mascot excuses, and much more...

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Jam and jingoism

In today’s Fiver: Mr Roy rolls the dice, social media afters, and AC/DC...

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Doing the absolute bare minimum and hoping to get away with it

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Small fry compared to Lord Ashcroft

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Needle doesn’t even nearly cover it

In today’s Fiver: salted herrings, trouser touch-ups, and pod fan fiction...

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