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Maybe we’ll fill the void by turning over a new leaf

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The footballing equivalent of Chris Waddle’s hair

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Needle doesn’t even nearly cover it

In today’s Fiver: salted herrings, trouser touch-ups, and pod fan fiction...

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Minty Moonbeam’s Wheel of Fortune

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A renegade revolutionary in our midst

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Portuguese manager signs three-year deal

In today’s Fiver: José Mourinho, Carlos Carvalhal and, well, Skeletor...

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Football’s grave-faced clairvoyant of impending doom

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The dirge rumbled to its conclusion

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Biological similarities with the cockroach

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Prestige earned from 117 years sold to some soap vendor

In today’s Fiver: Milanese dignity, five things Quique learned, and Bobby M...

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A lemur who does a hilarious Noel Edmonds impression after a few drinks

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Well-coiffured and dressed in the finest Italian linens

In today’s Fiver: The Paul Pogba Transfer Saga, the Premier League’s big spenders and guaranteed five-a-side success...

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Bears, woods, popes and pointy hats

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Drama, charm, unpredictability, novelty and Claudio Ranieri

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Kevin the Budgie

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Balance sheet bantz; and Adriano

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Counting the diamonds around sinks in other people’s homes

In today’s Fiver: the Euro 2016 quarter-finals! Plus Sisqo and swimming...

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Outdone by their own laundry ladies

In today’s Fiver: club media departments, mascot excuses, and much more...

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Small fry compared to Lord Ashcroft

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The Portuguese kidder’s nose growing ever longer

In today’s Fiver: Transfers galore, the inside track on the Do One Express and those damn pesky rats … getting everywhere...

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