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Refreshing apathy and blind confidence

In today’s Fiver: Newcastle United, Alan Pardew, and John Peel on obstruction...

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A roll-call of garden birds

In today’s Fiver: the drama is very much and most emphatically cessant...

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Brazenly flaunting his pins and blithely holding some paper

In today’s Fiver: Two James Milners, SpongeBob, a tribute to Stephen Keshi and #ItsColombiaNotColumbia...

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99 Luftballons v We’ve Got a Feeling

In today’s Fiver: Germany v France, His humility, and fans being put firs … oh...

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Find out once and for all whether laughter is the best medicine

In today’s Fiver: Gylfi Sigurdsson’s dreams, Leo Messi’s salty tears, and more...

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Outdone by their own laundry ladies

In today’s Fiver: club media departments, mascot excuses, and much more...

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Jam and jingoism

In today’s Fiver: Mr Roy rolls the dice, social media afters, and AC/DC...

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Doing the absolute bare minimum and hoping to get away with it

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Small fry compared to Lord Ashcroft

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Needle doesn’t even nearly cover it

In today’s Fiver: salted herrings, trouser touch-ups, and pod fan fiction...

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Football’s grave-faced clairvoyant of impending doom

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Poor, poor Stewart Downing

In today’s Fiver: burning effigies, the Iranian Messi and Pat Evra’s big balls...

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We wish you an evil Christmas, we wish you an evil Christmas

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The dirge rumbled to its conclusion

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Counting the diamonds around sinks in other people’s homes

In today’s Fiver: the Euro 2016 quarter-finals! Plus Sisqo and swimming...

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Disarming hair and a dangerous mind

In today’s Fiver: a horrible dream, Guus Hiddink’s parachute, and booze...

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Bouncing around aimlessly in a passable homage to the title sequence of The...

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The Portuguese kidder’s nose growing ever longer

In today’s Fiver: Transfers galore, the inside track on the Do One Express and those damn pesky rats … getting everywhere...

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A thoroughly mediocre conclusion to a similarly average tournament

In today’s Fiver: lacrimation, Big Sam and buses...

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A ripping yarn to end them all

In today’s Fiver: Rafa’s back! Plus in-game urination bother and a nails ref...

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