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The cultural vandalism of picking Marouane Fellaini

In today’s Fiver: Big Cup, Big Vase, Yann M’Vila’s axe and more...

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Refreshing apathy and blind confidence

In today’s Fiver: Newcastle United, Alan Pardew, and John Peel on obstruction...

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The hope that leads to despair when the hope is predictably extinguished in...

In today’s Fiver, the Federal Republic of Holland, the Netherlands & the Dutch, Andrei Kanchelskis and a surefire way to get sacked...

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A roll-call of garden birds

In today’s Fiver: the drama is very much and most emphatically cessant...

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99 Luftballons v We’ve Got a Feeling

In today’s Fiver: Germany v France, His humility, and fans being put firs … oh...

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Find out once and for all whether laughter is the best medicine

In today’s Fiver: Gylfi Sigurdsson’s dreams, Leo Messi’s salty tears, and more...

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Played 11, won 0, drawn 5, lost 6

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A tiny violin playing from a penthouse in an ivory tower atop Montmartre

In today’s Fiver: rejecting DR Congo, Swiss rozzers and a Father Ted remix...

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Jam and jingoism

In today’s Fiver: Mr Roy rolls the dice, social media afters, and AC/DC...

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What a thing. What a team. What a world

In today’s Fiver: Leicester on the brink, Wenger on the offensive and an unimpressed Eagle...

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Filling the old breeks every February and March

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From the sublime to the Newcastle

In today’s Fiver: Rafa’s C’Mon Toon Army, Ross County’s digital disaster and Míchel Ma Belle...

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Doing the absolute bare minimum and hoping to get away with it

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Fifa: replenishing its own coffers in the brazen style

In today’s Fiver: Pegguy Arphexad’s bongo denial, urine-gate, knacker-knack and Jordan confusion...

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The footballing equivalent of Chris Waddle’s hair

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Needle doesn’t even nearly cover it

In today’s Fiver: salted herrings, trouser touch-ups, and pod fan fiction...

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A team of newborns in Manchester City-branded babygrows

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Portuguese manager signs three-year deal

In today’s Fiver: José Mourinho, Carlos Carvalhal and, well, Skeletor...

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Football’s grave-faced clairvoyant of impending doom

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Biological similarities with the cockroach

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