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Doing the absolute bare minimum and hoping to get away with it

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Fifa: replenishing its own coffers in the brazen style

In today’s Fiver: Pegguy Arphexad’s bongo denial, urine-gate, knacker-knack and Jordan confusion...

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The footballing equivalent of Chris Waddle’s hair

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Needle doesn’t even nearly cover it

In today’s Fiver: salted herrings, trouser touch-ups, and pod fan fiction...

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A team of newborns in Manchester City-branded babygrows

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Portuguese manager signs three-year deal

In today’s Fiver: José Mourinho, Carlos Carvalhal and, well, Skeletor...

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Football’s grave-faced clairvoyant of impending doom

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Biological similarities with the cockroach

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The dirge rumbled to its conclusion

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Prestige earned from 117 years sold to some soap vendor

In today’s Fiver: Milanese dignity, five things Quique learned, and Bobby M...

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Well-coiffured and dressed in the finest Italian linens

In today’s Fiver: The Paul Pogba Transfer Saga, the Premier League’s big spenders and guaranteed five-a-side success...

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Bears, woods, popes and pointy hats

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Will they be dancing in the streets of...

In today’s Fiver: Champagne supernova, tax-knack and Manchester City’s mind box...

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Brazenly flaunting his pins and blithely holding some paper

In today’s Fiver: Two James Milners, SpongeBob, a tribute to Stephen Keshi and #ItsColombiaNotColumbia...

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Outdone by their own laundry ladies

In today’s Fiver: club media departments, mascot excuses, and much more...

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Balance sheet bantz; and Adriano

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The Portuguese kidder’s nose growing ever longer

In today’s Fiver: Transfers galore, the inside track on the Do One Express and those damn pesky rats … getting everywhere...

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Small fry compared to Lord Ashcroft

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We wish you an evil Christmas, we wish you an evil Christmas

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A thoroughly mediocre conclusion to a similarly average tournament

In today’s Fiver: lacrimation, Big Sam and buses...

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