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A tiny violin playing from a penthouse in an ivory tower atop Montmartre

In today’s Fiver: rejecting DR Congo, Swiss rozzers and a Father Ted remix...

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Played 11, won 0, drawn 5, lost 6

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Jam and jingoism

In today’s Fiver: Mr Roy rolls the dice, social media afters, and AC/DC...

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What a thing. What a team. What a world

In today’s Fiver: Leicester on the brink, Wenger on the offensive and an unimpressed Eagle...

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From the sublime to the Newcastle

In today’s Fiver: Rafa’s C’Mon Toon Army, Ross County’s digital disaster and Míchel Ma Belle...

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Doing the absolute bare minimum and hoping to get away with it

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Fifa: replenishing its own coffers in the brazen style

In today’s Fiver: Pegguy Arphexad’s bongo denial, urine-gate, knacker-knack and Jordan confusion...

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Maybe we’ll fill the void by turning over a new leaf

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The footballing equivalent of Chris Waddle’s hair

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Needle doesn’t even nearly cover it

In today’s Fiver: salted herrings, trouser touch-ups, and pod fan fiction...

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A renegade revolutionary in our midst

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Minty Moonbeam’s Wheel of Fortune

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Portuguese manager signs three-year deal

In today’s Fiver: José Mourinho, Carlos Carvalhal and, well, Skeletor...

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Football’s grave-faced clairvoyant of impending doom

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The dirge rumbled to its conclusion

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Biological similarities with the cockroach

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Prestige earned from 117 years sold to some soap vendor

In today’s Fiver: Milanese dignity, five things Quique learned, and Bobby M...

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A lemur who does a hilarious Noel Edmonds impression after a few drinks

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Bears, woods, popes and pointy hats

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Well-coiffured and dressed in the finest Italian linens

In today’s Fiver: The Paul Pogba Transfer Saga, the Premier League’s big spenders and guaranteed five-a-side success...

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